Heather Lagemann started writing her blog, Invasive Duct Tales , after she was diagnosed with chest cancer in 2014. It was named one of our Best Breast Cancer Blogs of 2015 . Read on to learn how her family unit and friends helped her through chest cancer, surgery, and chemotherapy.

When I was diagnosed with chest cancer at 32, I was nursing an infant, doing preschool runs, and binge watching "Breaking Bad" on Netflix. I really didn't have much previous experience with cancer and it was basically, similar, a horrible disease that people died from in the movies. I saw "A Walk to Remember" as a teenager. Tragic…and it was also basically the closest I had come to real life cancer.

Information technology was the same for many of my friends and family, and with each new hurdle I faced — the initial stupor, surgery, chemotherapy, bad days, worse days, baldheaded days, menopausal-at-32 days — I saw the struggle come over them. They didn't know what to say. They didn't know what to practise.

About of the people in my life rocked it, naturally, considering really, all a cancer girl wants is for her people to exist there. But, still, there were others who could have used a lilliputian guidance. And that's okay, because it's actually not a normal situation. I get weird if there's an unclaimed fart hanging around so I don't expect yous to know how to handle my cancer.

With that said, in all my cancer patient expertise (an expertise that no one actually wants), I have come upwardly with v ways to be a friend to someone with cancer.

This seems like common sense, merely it has to be said. I didn't desire people to expect at me differently, and I certainly didn't desire people to treat me differently. I was diagnosed just before Easter, and I told my family unit that the only manner I was going to testify upwards to Easter lunch was if they could act normal. And so they did, and the precedent was set up. This didn't mean that they ignored the fact that I had cancer; that wouldn't exist normal. So we talked nearly information technology, got worried about it, made jokes about it, and and so rifled through our kids' Easter baskets when they weren't looking.

And so if you usually have a girls' night out once a month, keep inviting your friend. She may not be able to get, just it'south nice to experience normal. Take her to a film. Ask her how she is, and requite her free reign to vent (similar you lot would have at 15, when her boyfriend dumped her, although the state of affairs couldn't exist more different). Truly heed, and then requite her the latest happenings, ask her communication on nail shine colors, and talk to her about the things that you normally would. It's overnice to feel normal via your friends in an otherwise strange state of affairs.

This means never, ever, ever say something like, "If you need anything, allow me know," or "Delight call me if you need assist." She won't. I promise you.

Instead, recall of things you know she'll need assist with, and go on it. In the midst of chemotherapy, I had an acquaintance just show upward and mow my lawn. She didn't text me or fifty-fifty knock on my door. She merely did it. I didn't have to have the awkward conversation of doling out my chores to a friend — which ever just turned into, "I'thousand fine. We're okay. Cheers, though!" — and there was no place for my pride to get in the way. It was just washed. Information technology was amazing. Since your friend won't call you lot and tell you what they demand assistance with, I volition:

  • Getting food on the table. Coordinating meals is a great help. There are websites like mealtrain.com that make it and then easy, and I can't tell yous how much stress it took away knowing that my family would be fed when I didn't have the free energy to do information technology. As well, if you're at a grocery store near her, shoot her a text to meet if she's out of milk or goldfish crackers and choice them upwards for her.
  • Childcare. This may vary, but for me, I couldn't pick upwards my own infant for three weeks afterward surgery. And keeping up with a three-year-old during chemo? No. One of my best friends gathered the troops and put together a childcare calendar that fit my needs, and I am forever grateful. Your friend will bound for joy (or smile at you lot from the couch) if you lot offering to take her kids to the zoo for the day or even to the park for an hour.
  • Cleaning. She ain't got time or free energy for that right at present! My house was never equally icky as information technology was when I was in agile treatment, and funnily enough, I have never had more visitors. A close friend or group of girlfriends can pitch in and either practise it themselves or hire a service.
  • Lawn care. In my house, my husband usually takes care of this (I tell him I'm too pretty to mow or take out the trash, and it works — even bald). However, my married man had a lot on his plate too, and so this was actually helpful in not letting our yard turn into a jungle.

There's a lot going on correct now: appointments, scans, medications, lots of feelings and fear, probably a chemotherapy-induced menopause, trying to guide her family through this while not really knowing how. Then if she doesn't text dorsum, or ignores your calls for a little while, let it slide and go on on trying. She'south probably overwhelmed merely is reading your texts and listening to your voicemails and actually appreciates them. If you gift her a book, for example (a squeamish thing to do, since there'southward and then much downtime at chemo), don't expect her to read it. I think feeling and so bad when a friend asked me multiple times about a volume she gifted me that I hadn't read. Basically, just cut her lots of slack and don't expect much (or really anything) from her right at present.

Information technology's a hard matter to practise, sitting in someone's hurting with them, simply that's what she needs from you right now. It's your natural instinct to want to make her feel improve by saying things similar, "You'll be okay," or "You're so strong! You will beat this!" or "Y'all're only given what you can handle," or "Just go on a positive attitude." (I could become on for days.) Saying those things might make yous feel ameliorate, simply they won't make her feel better, because yous don't really know that she'll exist okay. She is strong, but she doesn't really accept a say in how this will turn out. She doesn't want to feel similar it's up to her to "beat" this. What she wants is for someone to sit with her in this dubiousness because it's scary…and yes, information technology's uncomfortable.

My niece is one of the just people who talked with me about the possibility of my death, and she was 7. No one else was willing to await death in the centre with me, but it was on my mind daily. I'1000 non saying you need to have in-depth expiry talks, merely be open to your friend's feelings. It's okay if yous don't know what to say as long as y'all are willing to truly listen. And trust me, she knows this is hard for you too, and she volition appreciate your willingness to "sit down in information technology" with her.

I know your friend genuinely is special to you, or you wouldn't exist reading this. Just there is a big deviation betwixt loving someone and letting them know that yous love them. My favorite part of cancer — yeah, I have a favorite function of cancer! — was that it seemed to give people a free pass to tell me how they felt nigh me, and it was amazing. I got so, so many cards, letters, and messages total of kind words, forgotten memories, palpable encouragement, and just raw beloved. They served to lift me up on some of my worst days, and it really changed my view of the world we alive in.

Cancer tin can be incredibly alone, so every little gift, card in the mail, and meal dropped off let me know I was withal a part of the globe at large. Besides, why should more attention be placed on you lot during your wedding yr than your (hopefully, simply) cancer year? I say: When someone has cancer, that is when we should go assurance-to-the-wall making them feel special. They need it, and honestly, it meant more than during my cancer year than my wedding year.

As long every bit y'all approach your friend with love, you will exist just fine. And while you may not be able to practice everything in this commodity, just promise me you'll dropkick anyone who tries to tell her stories about the grandmother, sister, or neighbor they had who died of chest cancer, okay?